"entahlah. sshlah nk ckp. mcm ni .... tah, tak taw nak cakap mcm mane"
it always ends up like this.
perhaps, i'm having some difficulties in explaining feeling & expression. i got tonnes of things bugging in my mind, but, i... terrifyingly have no suitable word to tell.
i once heard "cinta, kasih syg itu anugerah Allah. sbb, bila-bila je Allah boleh tarik balik anugerah tu. Jadi hargai selagi ada." -- the main point is, cinta or kasih syg tu sendiri, blh dtg tanpa diduga, dan pergi bak ditiup angin. cam gitu? kan? it happened to me, once. i lose it all when i begin to give up. and let go.
basically i guess this would be a rojak entry again.
i have this one feeling, spreading in my heart now. like a cancer. replacing those feeling, i once had before. still, a positive feeling, but kinda different. am i making a big change in my life? no one knows.
my life ain't that so complicated for now. lucky enough - Alhamdulilah. i'm fine, just fine. good. so, u know, fine & good mean - just nice. nothing less, and nothing more.
eid was simplest, cousins did think so. things change. but 1 thing remain every year - "Aqilah makin sihat. semangat. did u put on weight?" and i nodded, and say yes. DANG u. u were totally spoiling my mood. i'm not blind to see how FAT i am. and u should learn more about common sense. sbb rasenye. bnde yg ta best tuh ta payah lah nak cakap kuat2 dpn org ramai. as for me, that is quite insulting and shameful.
HEALTH - one of the most precious gift from god. i went to Hospital Kajang yesterday to visit Namin's mum. sitting there for 3 hours, did open my eyes for lots of things. I did not take a good care of my body, myself, my health. what if, tomorrow, i wake up and find out i couldn't stand or walk anymore? what if Allah took everything He gave me, in order to make me realize, what I have today? ;(
i always say. i wanna be somebody. i believe, a journey to success, wouldn't be easy. work hard, faith, never give up are the main keys. i have been living for 21 years in this world, and my life was easy. No, i mean, there are obstacles. but, others, are much more harder than mine. I was born in a happy family. I got rice to eat. friends from all over Malaysia. a chance to study. a room with air cond. Aqilah. sometimes u were too blind to see how much Allah is giving so much attention to u.
I don't want to compare with those who wayyy luckier than me, since they are millions. and perhaps i would be much more ungrateful. okay, the thing is I was wondering. will I manage to be on the top, someday? how? i just can't see the road, yet. but honestly, i can feel it. i know, it means something. hope so.
21 - it's kinda late for me. clock is ticking. and i'm still thinking.