Oct 14, 2009

14th oct 2009 - day 2


Ya Allah. hanya Kau yg tahu tujuanku... nawaituku. bantulah aku.
sekiranya Engkau masih mengasihi hambaMu yg hina dan kerdil ini.
berikan aku kekuatan tu Ya Allah. aku terlalu, rungsing. sadis.

jap. ejaan die RUNsING ke RUNgsING? erm. ade G ke tak tgh2 tuh? T__T

1st of all. maaf. semua. kawan - kawan. maaf sgt3. sy tpu kalian.
sy tpu yg sy dah buat bodow dgn lelaki itu. tpu yg kami hanya kwn biasa.
sy tpu bersebab. sbb kalian da penat. bosan. leteyh nasihat sy utk tinggalkan beliau.
sy taw kalian da tataw nak ckp ape dkt sy. yer sy degil. sy taw.
mula - mula sebulan. tup tap dah setahun. serious. tak sangka~

mcm mane sy blh sabar? mcm mane sy blh biar dan biar dan biar...
tak kisah ape org kate? x kisah ape kawan2 ckp. ape mama n abah pesan.
semua sy ketepikan. utk ape? utk peluang2 dkt beliau. dan utk diri sendiri.
utk perasaan yg makin lame makin menebal tnpa disedari.
hingga saat ini, di mana terpaksa melepaskan jgk akhirnya. terpaksa~

sy fragile. terlalu fragile skrng. sy lebeyh suka ke kolej. jmpe kwn2.
gelak ketawa dlm mase same tahan tangisan yg tah tak sabar2 nak mengalir.
kenapa menangis? entah. sbb perasaan itu sudah setahun. rasa itu...
menebal. bercampur baur. aqilah. bodohnya kau tak sedar rasa syg itu.
rase kasihan kau, yg jd syg, dan akhirnya, mmg kau da jd yg terbaik.
kau sedar, dan kau ckp 'i gave him the very best of me'. best of me~

tak tahan. semlm. yess sy jrng marah. kalau marah pun cpt sgt reda.
kalau marah skit2. tak sampai 5minit dah ok. gerenti! but. semlm.
ble da jrng marah, skali marah, mmg teruk. and, still, x lebeyh 30min.
call seorg kwn. kwn lame dr skola. akibat tak tahan marah sampai nangis.
call, terus nangis sambil jerit yg lantang. and, sy benci ble sy terlalu mrh nih.
sbb, semua kaum kerabat caci maki keluar. tak tahan. sgt~ penyudahnya.
kwn ckp "1st time dgr ko marah camni skali sejak dr zaman skolah" 1st time~

kwn tu jgk ckp bnde yg same semua org dah ckp. "tinggalkan beliau. plz."
still. rase sgt amat tak mampu tertahan rase terkilan itu. akhirnya. type SMS.
SMS seorg kwn lama yg sgt fhm diri ni. yg taw 100% ttg diri sy. 1st love.
semlm. jmpa sekejap. dinner skali. lame x jmpe. tp, sy perlu. sy ckp.
tp x pndng muka die. sbb, rasa nak nangis sentiasa time bercerita.
dia. diam. dan dgr. awk. maaf jgk sy kecewakan awk sebgai kwn.
awk diam. tp nasihat. dan mmg kte nmpk jgk, awk kecewa. nmpk~

sy taw bkn dia je yg kecewa dgn sy. kwn2 lain jgk. tp. dia lebeyh kecewa.
sbb die 1-1 nya kwn yg taw 100% dr a - z cerita tu. kesimpulannya, ada deal.
semua pun tahu, dr dulu lg sy mmg SEWAJARNYA da tinggalkan lelaki itu.
makanya. sy pun mmg sedar, nmpk dgn jelas, lama dlu lg. 1 kenyataan iaitu.
by hook or by crook, sy mmg perlu tinggalkan lelaki itu. sy taw. dia bkn utk sy. tahu~
maka. sy diberi 7 hari dr tarikh semlm, 13 october 2009 utk tinggalkan lelaki itu.
kalau tak. 1st love tak akan mengaku sy kwn lg. that's it.

dan sy tahu jgk. die buat semua ni utk kebaikan sy. itu yg semua org cuba buat.
akibatnya. semlm. sy menangis di dpn dia. sambil bercerita. tangis bnyk sbb.
tangis masa yg dah rugi. tangis dgn kemungkinan2 yg ada. tangis dgn apa yg sy korbankan.
ahhh. bercampur baur. maaflah... sy pernah ckp, x nak lg bercerita ttg perasaan. tp.
ini. sy tak mampu. tak mampu lg. ya, kwn2 dah malas ambik taw ttg beliau.
jd sy hanya pendam ttg beliau utk tah berapa lama. skit pon x cite dkt sape2.
tp. tlg. biar je sy kali ni... sy cuma ingin meluahkan perasaan yg terbeban.

pulang ke rumah semlm. tiada lg tangisan. tp. tiba2 dpt 1 sms. nasihat dr 1st love.
entah. buat rasa nak menangis blk. terharu sbb seriously, die kwn yg baek.
masuk bilik. nak tdow. sbb penink. pukul 12am mcm tuh. baring, dgr lagu.
skali mate segar semcm jgk sampai 230++am. ade phone call. die lg. sy taw.
die risaw. sy, nangis lg... pukul 430++ am. segar lg. penat mcm tuh. tlg. maw tdow.
lupekan semua seketika. 5am. tdow akhirnya. 3 jam. bgn awal. siap ke kelas.

sedar tak semlm 13 oct 2009 itu. hari pertama... hari ni 14 oct 2009. hari ke-2.
ada lagi 5 hari. hari terakhirnya 20 oct 2009. dang~ sy baru sedar tarikh itu.
die kate "20 oct 2009 mulakan hidup baru" insya allah. i hope sooo...
otak sy serabot. kusut. masa suntuk. kelas penuh. esok dr 11am -3pm meeting.
3pm-10pm class directing. sy tak suka sesuatu hubngan akhirnya dgn SMS @ call.
sy lebih suka face2face even kekuatan yg perlu ada, tinggi. benar tinggi.
tuhan. tlg permudahkan perjalanan perjuangan ini. tlg. aku mengaku kalah tuhan...
1 sbb yg paling pasti - beliau mmg bkn utk aku. 1 hakikat yg aku sedar lama.
dr hari pertama kami kenal, sehingga kini sudah setahun lebeyh bersama. hakikat~

1143pm. few minutes to 15th oct 2009. masuk hari ke3. 4 hari tinggal utk ucapkan...
'goodbye'. its hard when u've to say goodbye to the one u love, like, so much.
i just, don't know how... letting go of some1 u love, is not easy, when u're not ready.
but u know u have to. u just really3 have to. sooner or later. but, lg lmbt lg seksa.
so... yes, i hope i've the gut, to say 'goodbye', and again, i'm gonna break my own heart.
and yar, it's me, who's gonna hurt the most again. it always ended up with...
me, who called it'OFF' but, trust me, i hurt more than those i let go off. seriously~

what's the big deal of all this. i just cant tell. just... let say. erm.
i gave him the verrryyyy best of me. i never say NO to anything, for a year.
but it just, every1 around u [fmly + friends] said, he is not the one for u.
and. it just that, u know, u're suffering inside as well and the most important...
that u do realize, that u're going nowhere with him. it just. nowhere.
we are not meant to be together. way 2 different, 1 of the reason as well...
it's complicated. tak fhm pon xpe... just. tu je. utk skrng. tlg. doa~




7 comments:

hawanasir said...

i don't know if i am allowed to comment here (haha) but i really do care about you.

let's just put it this way. do whatever you think you need to do for you to be happy for a LONG term.

I'm not asking you to leave him, nor am I asking you to stay. :)

Fikir habis2 aqilah sayang. Untuk masa depan, bukan just present okay?

I love you.
*hugss*

| AiNaa K | said...

do what you wanna do.
because that's the best thing of all. =)

athirah hanafiah said...

qila, wateva decision u gonna do be strong yer..

do wat u think is da best for u. not for others but for u. yorself. cause the one who gonna go through all the pain is u.


be strong babe!
apepun yg qila akan buat, lets start a new life on 20102009. with or without him. ok?
=)

oh ya, jangan selalu sngt pendam maslh qila sensorng.. tulis jer kat blog qila ni sbb ni kan blog qila.. hehe.

t.care dear!

ra|nbOw said...

hawa. u're always welcome dear. u're 1 of my biggest inspiration. i love u too T____T

ainaa. uhuuu. it's not what i really want. but, it's what i have to.

athirah. haha. penink sat tgk no2 tuh. haha. ok... insya allah. thanks dear. u take care too. =]

ainaaamira. said...

qilah...take care.....

fatynlicious said...

take care hun
your tear are too precious to be waste

tabahkan hati mu

.Nora Kacak. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.